Why Whole Foods gives me Anxiety

posted in: Essay, Nyetoon, Recession Bear | 2

There comes a time in every West Side-Angelinos life, when your girlfriend informs you that you are out of organic milk. At times like this, you set out around the block, with your  Recession Bear, and brace for:


1. Adventures in Guilt!

As soon as I walk in to this store, I am instantly confronted with the idea that it is a failing on my part to eat correctly.

I start to wonder if anyone saw me stop for McDonalds three weeks ago. Then I start to tally how many things I’ve consumed that, over a 70 to 150 year period, will give me cancer.



2. Adventures in Bars? In Whole Foods?


However, most bars are defined by the customers.  Apparently it’s the next stop on the west side tour, just after the Starbucks on Lincoln has booted them for monopolizing the table next to the plug.

If you do find yourself in a bar in whole foods, be sure to use phrases like:

 “What’s with the Belgians, lately? They just seem too fruity to me!”


“It’s definitely the hops.”

or the ever popular…

“I just toured their brewery last week.”

3. Bring your bag! Or else!



Every time I forget to bring a bag, and every time an overwhelming sense of anxiety causes me to buy another one. And so, an entire cupboard has been dedicated to a growing collection of Whole Food’s Shopping Bags.



…. fuck, I need to learn to edit better.

Thanks for Reading!




I can’t dog on Whole Foods without making note of others who have already tread this road:

“Whole Food’s Parking Lot” by Fog and Smog.

And Portlandia took a similar pot shot in No Grocery Bag.



2 Responses

  1. David A.
    | Reply

    I fucking hate whore foods… I’m Loyal to Ralph’s and always will.

    • NyeGuy
      | Reply

      I’m sure Ralph’s is happy to have such a passionate customer!

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